A bikini epiphany

Last summer as I walked through the underbrush on a trail down to the river, loud music and boisterous laughter rose from below. Thinking a gathering of teenagers must have overtaken the beach, I was surprised when a raft the size of a small living room floated into view overflowing with women well past their teenage years. In the middle, a woman held court, her full-throated laughter leading the others.

There is a boldness to women who laugh loudly with such abandon - who wrap voluptuous bodies confidently into neon-colored bikinis, unconcerned about lowering their voices or hiding their bodies so as not to be noticed.

I stood there in awe, soaking in the freedom of their wildness, and whenever I encountered them last summer, my heart was filled with unexpected joy.

Now the summer begins again, and today the leader of the bold women was back at the beach. She had staked her claim on the rocky shore, and her presence compelled me towards her to engage in conversation. As she was beginning to stretch out alone on a blanket on the shore, I greeted her and asked about the missing swim dock.

“It belongs to a friend. We will be bringing it out soon…” and then she added in a gravelly voice, raising one arm in the air to wave an imaginary jug,

“It’s our pirate ship. When we float on it, our motto is “t*ts ahoy “

Caught off guard, I burst into laughter and had to keep myself from running over and giving her a full body hug just to say thanks.

Because I think I have been looking for her since birth.

All my life, I have hungered to come into a space and not diminish myself just to avoid drawing negative attention. I have hungered to be comfortable with letting the joy I feel within escape without parameters. I have hungered to not feel I have to stand on this same shore in an oversized grey t-shirt just to feel safe in my own body.

So, yes, I wanted to hug her and say thank you from the deepest reaches of my heart.

Thank you for taking up the space you deserve. Thank you for talking in your “outside voice”. Thank you for taking the part of your body that society objectifies as the focus of male sexual desire and unapologetically claiming it as your own.

Every single time I encounter you on the beach, your mere existence encourages me to claim the space that is my birthright. You exemplify what it means to live with a “t*ts ahoy” attitude, boldly and unapologetically. And you give me hope that maybe someday I, too, even at 74, can live free from the unwritten rules that have shackled me on my own shore.